I don't like the way my body looks

Girls and body insecurities, what’s new

The other day at the gym, I was posing for a mirror selfie – as one does – and did the thing that is as natural as grabbing an iced drink on a hot summer’s day: scrutinised my body.

My arms looked flabby. My thighs made me look short. My midriff was… there? Couldn’t catch any definition in that lighting.

Then I turned to the side and caught what I was looking for: upper abs. They were popping, even before the HIIT class began. I snapped a photo.

Honestly, my upper abs have been popping for about a year now, ever since I started training for Hyrox – a fitness race involving running and a slew of strength stations. They pop in the mornings when I’m dehydrated and just woken up. They pop even after a full hotpot meal, like last Saturday in Shenzhen where seven of us ordered twenty-eight dishes.

Way back when (probably in high school), all I ever wanted was visible upper abs. I thought getting a flat stomach would be achievement enough.

A decade later, I have what I wished for. And I’m still not happy.

But seriously… what am I putting my body through?

My body is hella strong. Just on Monday, I sumo deadlifted 80kg for my 6-rep max. I bench press 25kg for my 5-rep max. (I’m 50kg, so those are solid bodyweight ratios imo.) I’ve done two Hyrox races and I’m gearing up for a third in three weeks. I work out six days a week, run, balance it out with reformer pilates, and average 11k steps a day.

And in response, I’m trying to shrivel it?

When I first started working out nine years ago, I was amazed by how much I could shape my body with movements targeting different muscle groups. I was lifting heavy (my favourite way to train), shedding body fat, and building definition on my lower body.

(True story: After a few months of training, my gym buddy caught a dude doing a double-take at my booty and said, “FAM WE MADE IT. Time to update your Tinder profile. You’re hot enough now for a one-sentence bio: ‘Just in case you didn’t know, I’m Becky with the good hair.’” This was 2016.)

For the first time, I felt like I had some semblance of control over my body. It really built my confidence. I remember rocking up to the gym in baggy shorts and an oversized t-shirt. Now, I show up in a sports bra and tight short leggings. I don’t even bother with a t-shirt.

And yet, five minutes after entering the gym, I’m looking in the mirror, criticising everything about my body.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. But I’m hoping that by airing out these insecurities, I can start to rewire some of the messaging I tell myself.

Or idk, maybe I’m just fishing for compliments.

So just tell me I’m hot in the comments ig??

Thanks to everyone who voted for this week’s essay topic :) If there’s anything you’d like me to write about, please drop it below in the comments.

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Update log:

• 💌 Made my debut in Ali's newsletter! It was kinda meta…

• 📺

  Daniel Hunter
  invited me to do my first ever Substack Live. We chatted about pretty tools, making your own opportunities, and why going from 0 to 1,000 is so hard.

• 📖 Started Ocean Vuong's new book, The Emperor of Gladness (3% completed). He’s got such a way with words.

• 🍲 Had a top-tier hotpot experience in Shenzhen w some friends. We were in a private room with a touch-screen TV menu and everything.

• 😴 Slept in till 11 on Sunday. I was so spent. Sleeping in feels good. Would recommend.

• 📗 Finished Million Dollar Weekend by Noah Kagan. Real solid book about how to run a business through checking market validation in 2025.

Book a call: Have a bite-sized creative project? Let’s give you a starting line boost a la Mario Kart - https://www.beckyisj.com/consulting

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