How I make friends as an adult

Why small talk matters

Making friends as an adult is hard.

We no longer bump into classmates between lectures or live down the hall from potential best friends. Life doesn’t automatically place people within arm’s reach anymore.

When I moved to Hong Kong, I had to learn how to build a support network from scratch. Not just friends, but mentors, colleagues, gym trainers, bartenders… the whole dang village. If I didn’t want to end up lonely in this crowded city, I had to learn the valuable skill of cultivating connections.

Here’s how I navigate small talk, build friendships, and keep those connections alive.

Why this matters to me

Moving to Hong Kong for college meant leaving behind everyone I knew. And coming out as gay added another layer: I needed to build a chosen family - people who fully accept me while my biological family sort out their own beliefs.

As an introvert, making friends wasn’t easy. But over time, I realised it all started with small talk.

So that’s where I began.

Why small talk matters

In an ideal world, I’d love to make small talk with everyone.

There’s something romantic about chatting with the stranger you’re sharing an armrest with on a red-eye flight, bantering with a bartender, or trading jokes with the gym trainers. I’ve done all of these, and they always leave me with a small warm feeling. Each new familiar face in the city makes Hong Kong feel a bit more like home.

But in Hong Kong where the predominant language is Cantonese, my ability to chit-chat is limited. As much as I’ve tried to learn it, I don’t speak it well enough to make random conversation (I also don’t know if it’s part of the culture at all to do that). So I reserve my “small talk energy” for situations where it’s expected, such as during events, in gym classes, or en route somewhere and bumping into someone I know on the train.

Small talk is the easy doorstep to deeper friendships. It’s hard for meaningful relationships to exist without first establishing some common ground.

Not all small talk is created equal. Which is where conversation starters come in. It’s easy to default to “how’s the weather” kind, but good conversation starters create openings for connecting over a shared experience or other trails of conversations.

My go-to conversation starters

These are some of my go-to lines whenever I strike up a conversation.

At the gym:

• “Dude, this is so hard”. My favourite. We all know it’s hard. Instant rapport.

• “Do you come here often?”

• “Do you work around here?” My gym is in the central business district, so this often sparks conversation, especially if they come at the same time a few days a week.

• “Are you doing any Hyrox races soon?” If they’re wearing Hyrox-branded gear

• “Do you run on Thursday nights?” If they’re wearing merch from a run club that runs then

At bars & restaurants (to staff):

• “What's your fave drink?” - I would then order their recommendation.

• “It's our first time - what do you recommend we order?” There are always too many words on menus. Asking the staff for their opinion not only helps narrow choices but creates connection. Plus, it opens the door for them to ask, “How was it?” later.

At events:

• “Is this your first [TEDx/event name]?”

• “What did you think about [the session]?”

• “How did you find out about [this event]?”

How to nurture new friendships

Small talk starts the spark, but friendships need tending to grow. Here’s what I do:

• Write down names. This might seem overkill, but I keep a running list of folks I meet - staff, gym-goers, new friends - along with notes about them.

• Add them on socials. Work contacts go on LinkedIn. Otherwise, I find their Instagram. People’s stories are like windows into their lives and shared interests. If something catches my attention, I hit reply.

• Note dietary preferences. Many gatherings revolve around food, so I keep a list. For example, one friend can’t eat gluten, so when I saw edamame pasta, I bought her a pack. Tiny gestures count.

• Text when I think of them. Also: send memes.

• Call when free. If we’re texting back and forth and I happen to have time, I ask if they’re up for a call.

Spend “empty” time to build friendships

It takes 43 to 60 hours for two people to become friends, and 80 to 100 hours to become real close, according to journalist and author

Charles Duhigg

.

Many of those times can be quiet or “empty”. My Hyrox doubles partner and I grew closer after countless gym sessions working out side by side.

Bhav Sharma

and I spend hours co-working through Zoom, audio muted. I’ve become great friends with some of my colleagues because we were sat next to each other for 40h/week.

Group hangouts can also ease the awkwardness of new people because some folks can moderate the conversation a bit, and I can jump in whenever I’d like.

Why friendships matter

It’s easy to fall into an existential loop these days, When I think of what this whole life is for, I get bogged down with the wars going on and the onslaught of AI slop and climate change and just the sheer brevity of human life. It’s also easy to get caught in short-term currencies that yank us away from long-term meaning. Things like hustling during late hours for money is one I keep falling back into.

At the end of the day, our time here is so short. On earth we’re briefly gorgeous. But in that short time-span, we get to form connections with each other. Yes these friendships will disappear with us when we’re gone, but they make our days brighter for as long as we’re around.

And at the end of the day, isn’t this (gestures at everything) what this is all for?

Thank you to friends in this adult life that helped shape this essay:

Ines Lee

,

John Luckman

, and

Ved Shankar

.

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Update log:

• 🇭🇰 Met some WOP alum in Hong Kong. Had a great time chatting with

  Will Mannon
  ,
  kora 🌊
  ,
  Dim Sum Newsletter
  , and Asit Verma.

• 🌊 Watched Lilo & Stitch in the cinema with some friends. Many tears were shed. Totally forgot that the social worker was a part of this!

• 🎧 Finished listening to He Who Drowned The World by Shelley Parker-Chan. This may be a user error but I got lost in all the different kingdoms. It’s a bit tricky to follow the different factions especially since I had a break since the first book…

• 🌸 Had a watch party for the Blossom Blush Festival. This is a concert featuring 10 Thai actresses, which feels like an SMTOWN but for wlw series. Screams were scrumpt.

• 🛏️ Writing this feels like I'm back to old Substack days where I was just cranking out essays based on what interests me. It feels nice, it feels fun, it feels light.

• 📺 Jenn Im posted a video of facetiming her younger self.

  nat
  texted me this morning being like “have you watched jenn im’s advice video!!” at 6:49am. I had literally just woken up.

  • Her words: “not me barging into your bedroom like— HAVE YOU WATCHED”.

  • my reply: 20s into this vid and i feel like sobbing / “you mentioned you wanted an older sister/mentor so i’m here for you"

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