One more rep

Training the person I want to be

There’s 3 seconds left on the 85-second set of kettlebell swings.

I’ve got two options. I stay up standing, taking my rest three seconds early. A kettlebell swing takes like five seconds anyway because I’m already on my third and last set. I can’t do it as quickly as my first rep. If I do one more swing, which I can, I’ll eat into my rest time. That’s no good. We only get 30 seconds of rest. And I’m exhausted.

Or I can squeeze in one more rep. Knuckles wrapped tightly around the handle, I swing the kettlebell back under my squatted glutes. I squeeze my legs to straighten and thrust the kettlebell up, arms straight to make sure the kettlebell swings up to shoulder height. I slowly lower my arms and set the kettlebell back down.

The timer shows that I’ve got 27 seconds more of rest time. That’s alright. I grab a swig of water before moving to the next station in my HIIT class: battle ropes.

When faced with the decision of whether or not I should squeeze in one more rep, I want to be the person that does. I want to put in 110% into the task. In corporate-speak, I want to go above and beyond. Fix that typo that I spotted. Align the boxes in a PowerPoint deck. Send a follow-up email.

The gym is where I train my resilience, both physical and mental. Pushing through the hard exercises even though I feel the muscle burn is how I get stronger. Completing the circuit is how I build resilience.

Exercising is challenging at every step of the way. I have to constantly tap into a reservoir of discipline for some boost in willpower. I audibly groan on my way to a HIIT class. It’s always a hard thing to complete.

But the decision of whether or not I should squeeze in one last rep? That’s easy.

Thank you to friends who did this week’s rep with me: Rik and Josh Ponelat.

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Update log:

• 🙏 Huge thanks to all seven (!!!) folks who have restacked my previous post, How I stopped fighting with my mom. It was an important one to write, and a more important one to live through.

• ✍️ I’m currently writing a prequel to that essay, and it’s sitting at 6k+ words. It’s already reading like 3 chapters of a memoir. I haven’t decided how I will publish it (on Substack? Paywalled?) but it feels like a story that must be written.

• 🔮 My therapist has said that we can focus on visioning for the future in our next session. It feels like a graduation, to go from healing past trauma to looking ahead.

• 📖 Started reading Crypto Confidential by Nat Eliason (12% completed).

• 🎧 Roxane Gay’s interview on On with Kara Swisher podcast - Favorite quote from the episode: “A lot of times we're just afraid of saying the wrong thing. And to our detriment, at times, we're so afraid of saying the wrong thing that we actually say nothing or we say things that have no teeth, that have no consequence. And that doesn't help.”

• ☀️ Trying to catch more of the sun before the summer is over. Had a pier-side picnic after work with a friend to witness just that. I’ll miss seeing vibrant, red skies.

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