I quit corporate. Then I freaked out.
Nobody warned me about the scaries
“Becky, we would like to offer you a job!”
My eyes balked at my phone screen. The call came from an entrepreneur who had been on my vision board since 2021. That was his name, all nine letters of it. I can’t believe I got it!
I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it. This was madness, in the best way. I felt like a total boss ass bitch. Finally, I was leaving the land of corporate predictability for something bigger, something more fun!
This was supposed to be the start of an exciting new chapter. But a week later, my body started riling against me.
Podcasts, my favorite pastime, now made me nauseous, the 1.8x-speed words clanking around my brain like loose change in a dryer. I started waking up in the middle of the night every hour, then every half hour, my heart pounding so fast that I had to take deep breaths to try and slow it down. Walking down the anodyne office hallways, I felt like I was holding my tears that could burst at any moment.
Turns out I wasn’t just imagining it. My Apple watch confirmed that my resting heart ratd has been 5 bpm higher than my average for the past five days.
I knew how to handle anxiety. I had a go-to formula when things feel out of control. Hit the gym, exhaust myself, override the panic. But since I was sleep deprived, going all out on burpee tuck jumps during HIIT only made things worse. Every time I stood up, I felt woozy.
I had spent years chasing stability. And I had it. But next week, I’m walking away from all of it.
Chasing stability in corporate
When I realized I was gay at twenty, I assumed nobody would have my back.
My family might disown me. My religion wouldn’t want me. My country would definitely hate me.
But money wouldn’t care. I made it my mission to get into corporate. That was my way of securing my future. If my future wife and I would not qualify for healthcare because our union wasn’t recognized, I better be able to afford it myself.
For the most part, my anxiety kept me sharp. I worked hard. I impressed my managers. I obsessively upskilled myself, terrified I’d be chewed up and spit out by the corporate machines.
In 2022, I made it. I got into an investment bank.
I knew I had “made it” when my first paycheck came in. Woah. That was a staggering amount of money. No wonder people work for banks. And this was only the beginning?
Consider me hooked.
The growing dissonance
After a few months, I started seeing the cracks. The performative LinkedIn posts, the jazz hands, the endless stroking of executive egos. I’ve heard often that we do things because “[executive name] wants it this way.”
There was unnecessary facetime, dressing up, showing up in the office despite every single employee having a fully functional corporate laptop. I had to look busy even when I finished my work by noon.
I didn’t love those things, but I could tolerate them. The trade-offs were worth it. My fiancée had healthcare through my job. The salary was good. If I got laid off, I’d get severance.
But in that same year, I started creating online weekly. And I learned what work could look like.
I saw, almost immediately, the gap between how big-name corporates operated (slow, bureaucratic, Microsoft Office-heavy) and how solo creators whizzed through (fast iterations, Notion, AI). By day, I was using clunky tools and outdated processes. By night, I was experimenting with cutting-edge tech.
And then I looked at where my time was actually going: more hours spent in low-tech, clunky systems than in the future-facing world I was fascinated by. The growing dissonance was impossible to ignore.
Sometimes during lunch breaks, I’d open my laptop and hammer out a new Substack draft. The words flew out of me, and I felt alive, focused, energized. Then my lunch break would end. I’d reinsert myself back at my desk, where a flood of emails waited. I had just spent an hour doing something that made me feel electric, and now I was back to answering emails from people I’d never speak to if not for work.
My first set of colleagues in 2017 taught me the word “老屎忽”, which roughly translates to “old farts” (and pronounced “old seafood” in Konglish). If I stayed at a corporate job any longer, I’d become one.
The opportunity and the spiral
The entrepreneur I had followed closely since 2021 had just moved to Hong Kong. And he was hiring.
, the embodiment of “leave corporate to do your Good Work” nudged me to apply. I had been making stuff online, including within Write of Passage. I had the experience required for the role.The stars seemed to have aligned.
I went for it.
(You better bet I third door-ed my way in. Future essay incoming).
I rode that high up till the point that I handed in my papers.
Now the action was irreversible. I’ve resigned. I’ve accepted the new gig. No takey backsies.
Then the scaries came in.
Throughout the limbo weeks of serving my notice period, I spiraled. What if I don’t have health insurance anymore? I got sick a few days ago and got cold medicine by visiting a private clinic. Could I still do this in the new gig? What about the corporate ladder? How do you “climb” in a 12-person company?
I tried to rationalize my way out of it. I will have health insurance, I just need to wait a few months. The corporate ladder wasn’t moving for me anyway. Plus I didn’t want to be an old seafood, right?
As much as my head knows these arguments, my body did not. Interrupted sleep. Elevated heart rate. Constant nausea. Every symptom pointed to one conclusion: I was making a really bad decision.
My friends reassured me, “This is so you!” Why am I feeling so horrible then?
“You’ve done this before”
Two weeks before quitting, I told my therapist Angie I was freaking out.
“I can’t help but notice that this parallels your past,” Angie said. “You have also once left behind what is known, stable, and safe to embrace what you feel is authentic to you.”
She was referring to the moment when I decided to come out in college. I had grappled with horrible anxiety attacks then, unable to sleep, think, and constantly holding my tears in.
But everything worked out in the end. I endured the anxiety, softened into myself, and emerged on the other side more fulfilled and living a truer life.
Maybe I shouldn’t try to ignore or repress my anxiety. Maybe I should ask this lil buddy straight up: What are you trying to tell me?
Anxiety is trying to keep me safe. Anxiety is trying to keep me secure. Like the little orange buddy in Inside Out 2, Anxiety is trying its best.
Talking to my orange buddy
“Hey bud, I just want you to know that I’m really thankful that you got me here into a super secure and stable situation. You did real well by protecting me thus far.
But it’s time for a lil shake up. This year I kinda wanna fuck around and find out. Are we ok with pivoting a bit? Not to diminish everything you’ve done for me. I’m just following the words of the great Ariana Grande: ‘thank u, next’.
Remember the last time we made a big, scary change? It was fucking terrifying. But we ended up ok. Better, even. We became more fulfilled and a lot happier.
Everything we want is on the other side of the scaries.
Thanks for having my back. Now let’s go through the scaries together.”
Thank you to friends who push me through the scaries of this essay: , , , , and .
Update log:
✍🏼 If you’re looking to write online more,
is a great writing coach. Work with her here.📖 Reading a short story from
every night from The Hidden Girl and Other Stories🏃♀️ Joined a run club 7K on Sunday morning. I still do not like running but it’s more bearable with friends.
🎥 March creative updates on my book, fitness, and quitting!
🍳 Fave thing I cooked this week: Indonesian basil fried rice (recipe in Indonesian here)
💬 Chatted with 2 IRL friends this week to kick-start their creative side hustles. Happy to help with yours too. Book a call here: https://calendly.com/beckyisj/
Book a call: Have a bite-sized creative project you want to start? Let’s figure out the systems to get that going. I promise to be your earliest fan - https://calendly.com/beckyisj/
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Congrats! The scaries are great (hindsight usually), but let's just embrace it :)
My reminder to go watch Inside Out 2. Good job moving through it!