The break before the breakthrough

It was easier to quash my feelings than to cradle them in my palms

Turns out, a decade-old trauma can prompt life to give me a cold open. Waking up at 3:46AM with a palpitating pulse. Sweat along my back the second I lie down. Feeling nauseous while eating yogurt. My body was really struggling to stomach unprocessed memories.

In June, I had decided I was in a place in my life where I could make space for therapy. I finally had a consistent work schedule after I left journalism’s erratic news cycle. The new job came with a raise, which removed some financial strain on therapy sessions. Plus, my friends thrived after starting therapy.

I thought that the sessions would involve crying in the office and living my Best Life outside of it: being praised at work, feeling energized for the week ahead, and of course, the poster image of laughing it up with friends over espresso martinis. In my words to my therapist, Angie: “I thought I was coming in for a nice little chat.”

But then, Angie made me do a vivid visualization exercise of an abusive ex. I walked away with a bad bout of anxiety. Taylor Swift’s All Too Well served as a backing track to my daily sobs. I lost 2kg in five days. My friends became really worried. More worried than me, even. They told me, “This is why I’m not ready for therapy. I’m not ready to unpack all my issues.”

But I knew I needed therapy. My past issues have begun to contort itself into negative emotions that showed up in my happiest moments. When a group of friends suggested flying to Taipei for the annual pride parade, I felt anxious our friendship would break before I felt excited. Or when my partner hinted at a planned surprise, I was vexed before I was grateful.

Why were my happiest moments tainted by fear, pain, and anger? I want to honour these experiences for what they are. The happy ones, the whimsical ones, the unbearable ones. I don’t want to be swatting away underlying emotions amid those moments.

As the saying goes, just because you are done with the past doesn't mean the past is done with you.

“What I’m hearing is you have faith that you’ll come out at the other end of it,” Angie said. “It sounds very woo woo but you believe that you will be okay even though it sucks right now. That’s faith.”

It’s odd, having faith in something I’ve never experienced before. But I’m already seeing some subtle shifts. I’m able to notice my feelings instead of being consumed by them. I’m able to name my body’s reactions to anxiety and regulate them. I’m even writing this essay, marking this moment of processing, of purging, of patience.

I’ve always been proud of surviving moments where the odds were against me. I brushed them off with the Kelly Clarkson song, What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger. I’d argue we’re better because of the painful moments that hurt us. But equally, if not more powerful, are the helpful moments that heal us. The embrace after a fight about who’s on laundry duty. The graceful reply to a rude work email. The acceptance that Girls’ Generation will never be a full 9-member girl group again.

Angie said doing the work, going through the worst parts before it gets better, is where a lot of clients abandon therapy. I guess this is where my faith will be tested. That by continuing to commit to therapy, I am wholeheartedly accepting more growing pains, gnawing memories, and garish truths.

Thanks to my Write of Passage (+1 IRL) friends who helped work this essay:

Priya Nain

,

Grace Sydney Smith

,

Sunday Candy

,

Taylor Foreman

, Poorna Kumar,

Wes Lambert

,

Chris Wong

,

Jen Dyck-Sprout

,

Lavinia Iosub

,

Michael Skinner

, Natasha Hertanto, Dave Shepherd, and

Alex Ficovic

.

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Update log:

• 🇭🇰 Met

  Stefan White
  and
  Kora Kwok
  over the past week in Hong Kong. Online is great but nothing beats an in-person meal.

• 📃 Inside Discord’s Reform Movement for Banned Users by

  Casey Newton
  . How to not ban kids (a major demographic of Discord) from the internet and instead educate them instead.

• 👨🏻‍🍳 Had my first teppanyaki experience. Woah???!!

• 🧘‍♀️ Continuing my not-so-daily meditation practice. I’ve slowed down, become really wary of over-stimulus, and have kept my ear buds in my case a lot more (to listen to my surroundings).

• 🎧 “Truthful-not-neutral” Christiane Amanpour on covering this war, as interviewed by Kara Swisher. The takeaway: we have to be able to hold two things at once. In other words, be human.

• 🛬 Landed in Taipei yesterday afternoon. I’m excited to test out my rusty Mandarin.