Subconscious Subway

Surrendering to when life is too fast for a mindful, examined life

Socrates said an unexamined life is not worth living, but that’s big talk for a dude who was alive before the internet was a thing.

My flagship work conference was coming up. A best friend yolo-booked tickets from New York, bracing the 24 journey to Hong Kong. Speaking opportunities found me in light of Pride month (read: I’m usually the token Asian lesbian, but this is another essay).

I knew what I needed to do. One activity after the other in quick succession. Update the website for the conference as new speakers get confirmed. Make reservations in Vietnamese, Japanese, and Cantonese restaurants to present the range of Hong Kong dining. Brainstorm how the finance industry can support the LGBTQ+ community and run those talking points by my legal team.

The rolodex of tasks were spinning so smoothly, it felt like I was on autopilot. I didn’t even need to glance at my to-do list because I was jumping from one activity to another. These two weeks, I was chugging along the tracks of a subconscious subway. Unlike the train of thought, which requires awareness, the subconscious subway runs on its own, beneath the surface. It's processing what I need to do next even as I am actively handling the matter at hand.

Thankfully, the brain knows how to make shortcuts and run on autopilot. I don’t need to think about how to angle my toothbrush every morning or which turn to take when commuting to work. Since none of the work I needed to do was new to me, I was able to complete them swiftly and confidently without giving them much thought. The effort I put into creating my productivity system is finally paying off. I created keyboard shortcuts (typing in “folderheadshots” on aText, a text expansion tool) to access my website files in seconds instead of minutes. I befriended the staff in my favorite restaurants so I could get a last-minute reservation. I published my speaking notes from a panel about LGBTQ+ allyship, so I used it as a starting point when brainstorming this time around.

Not all days could be dedicated to a mindful tempo. Sometimes, the treadmill of life speeds up, and thankfully I was ready to keep up with the whirring acceleration, sprinting by letting my feet land on the belt in continuation while my sights were set elsewhere.

I woke up late on Saturday. It’s a long weekend and I didn’t even know it. My Google calendar was sparse. The next work deadline isn’t until a week away.

The last fortnight whizzed by without a hitch. Photos of the work conference looked lively. My friend and I danced till 3AM, running on the best coffee-coconut cocktails we’ve ever tasted. People came up to me after my speaking gigs to say I was eloquent and funny.

More hectic days will come. The right opportunities will come again, and they may find me all at once. There’s a lot of emphasis on slowing down to live a meaningful, examined life. But there is also value in surrendering to “autopilot” mode. When the confluence of opportune events occurs again, I’ll trust my subconscious subway to speed my way through.

Thank you to friends who examined this essay:

Linart Seprioto

and

Harrison Moore

.

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Looking back: I know some authors who have been able to jump from scandal to scandal with their reputations perfectly intact. Mostly white. Mostly male. Isaac Asimov was a serial sexual harasser; so was Harlan Ellison. David Foster Wallace abused, harassed, and stalked Mary Karr. They are still hailed as geniuses. — Yellowface, RF Kuang.

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Update log:

• 🎮 Playing Paper Mario RPG. It’s a fun way to unwind between work, writing, and watercolor. (Hey, all my hobbies alliterate).

• 📕 Read Yellowface by RF Kuang over the long weekend. It’s very different from Babel and I’m amazed at her range for tackling different genres and different styles. Yellowface is to RF Kuang what Nonsense is to Sabrina Carpenter. I prefer Babel much more but I’m biased towards historical fantasy fiction (my favorite genres alongside sci-fi. I was so heartbroken to learn this fact about Isaac Asimov).

• 🗓️ Updated my May log. Geez I should not procrastinate like that ever again. I spent an uninterrupted half day to put that together from my Roam notes. But I found so much value in revisiting and distilling my notes.

• 🛬 Decided arbitrarily that I won’t plan any travels for now. It sounds very first world problem-y… but I’m feeling like staying put and stationary for a while.

• ⛈️ The weather has been so gloomy and I’ve been itching to shoot photos again. But it’s been raining for 10 days and it looks like it’s going to rain for the next 10 more… so I ordered my first black/white rolls of film.

• 📽️ Discovered graincheck on YouTube. Her videos on film photography are so electrifying. I eagerly grabbed my camera out with me today, though I still need to figure out how to take photos on gloomy days.

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