Running for the wrong reasons

When insecurity and excitement collide

Views from my Tuesday afternoon run

I felt fat on Tuesday, so I went for a run.

That was not the only reason, but I won’t discount that as a motivating factor. My company hosted a health checkup that morning, and a machine categorized me as slightly obese with a bit too much fat and not enough muscles. My brain knew it wasn’t the whole story. In my Bodypump classes that I attend 2-3x a week, I’m always the person lifting the heavier weights, if not the heaviest. My physique changed after doing strength training. New muscles padded the tops of my shoulders, biceps took shape when I flex them, and my waist shrunk so much that pants I bought two years prior are loose on me now. I felt like I had control over my body shape, and that excited me.

But the health results got to my head anyway.

I had been fostering some physical insecurities for some time. A scrawny, high-pitched voice whose whispers climb by decibels every time I glance at a full-length mirror. Those voices go quiet in my workout classes, where the instructors emphasized feeling strong over burning fat. My insecurities cowered in the presence of positive reinforcement.

But outside the workout studios and in the midst of Hong Kong’s central business district filled with lean, tall ladies that wear Lululemons and run circles around the harbor (literally), I felt not fit enough.

In ninth grade, I learned that one of my favorite Kpop stars did 600 sit-ups daily for shredded 王-shaped abs. For a month or so, I hid in my bedroom every night, lifting my chest up to my knees as the three PowerPuff Girls on my pink and lavender wallpapers stared at me. But having strength doesn’t translate to being skinny, which means that any muscle definition can be obscured by a fatty overlay. I never got to see abs, and was disappointed with myself every day.

Part of my company’s health screening included a consultation with a nutritionist. She recommended doing more cardio exercises. Boooo! I still don’t understand the appeal of running, never reached the “runner’s high” phase of it, and envied admired anyone who has the mental endurance to traverse kilometers by galloping from one leg to the next.

I knew that I needed cardio, though. I have been hitting a plateau with my strength training this year. I am able to slowly increase the weights I lift, but my body didn’t change as much as it did in the first year of Bodypump. After swinging to the far-end of strength training, cardio would be the other end of the pendulum that would improve my physique.

Earlier this March, I joined a 5K run at Disneyland just because it’s hosted in the happiest place on earth. I had never run a 5K before, but I committed to it (read: paid the fee) and decided to train slowly with guides from the Nike Run Club app, which are audio recordings of professionals to coach you on your runs. This is a behavioral pattern of mine: if I wanted to do something, I'd say yes first and I’d figure out how to get there afterwards.

I was able to complete the 5K with four weeks of training, though I give full credit to the Disney characters and friends that ran with me (peer pressure works). While running wasn’t as hard as I thought,it still wasn’t as great as I had hoped. I continued running for a while, excited to see if I could experience the elusive “runners high”, but paused when the summer heat arrived in June. I’d resume when temperatures fell below 30ºC, I told myself.

After all, there were two fall 5Ks on my radar: a charity run at the end of the month and the Hong Kong Gay Games in November. I signed up for both, shoving the problem to future Becky.

Two separate typhoons skirted past Hong Kong in the last fortnight and brought temperatures down. On that Tuesday, the weather forecast was 26-29ºC. That’s 1ºC below the 30ºC arbitrary threshold I promised myself months ago. I had no excuse. As soon as I arrived home from work, I changed into my running clothes and headed outside.

My therapist told me that anxiety-related feelings and excitement often result in the same action. Both elevate my heart rate and make me sweat. I was insecure about my physical appearance / I am excited to reach the “runner’s high”. Both feelings led me to slip on my trainers to run outside.

I flicked through the guides on my Nike app, choosing the “easy run”. I wanted something light to dip into the running waters, so I laid over the coach’s supportive voice against Olivia Rodrigo’s angsty Guts album. A perfect duality to match my anxious/excited state. My legs swung one after the other, and soon enough I was running at a brisk pace.

Before two songs were over, I finished a lap in the small roundabout next to where I live. My legs still had a little bit of steam in them, so I took a detour to a bigger park nearby.

As I approached the park, I remembered why running after work is great. It’s 6PM and the sun is slowly setting, painting tall Hong Kong high rises with a golden hue. The breeze from Victoria Harbour grew stronger as I ran towards the waters. The smell of wet grass filled my lungs. Though it had rained that whole day, this run celebrated a rare dry moment within Hong Kong’s typhoon season.

My muscles remembered my usual roundabouts, having mapped out the best way to navigate the park from my training months ago. I took the paths in stride (pun intended), zigging towards one side of the trees and zagging alongside the fences.

During the run, I wasn’t thinking about my physical appearance at all. I was focused on laying one foot in front of the other. I placed my attention to my gently swinging arms, and I thought about how my running shoes hit the pavement. Land on my right midfoot, lift so only my right toes are touching the ground, take my right foot off completely, and repeat with the left foot.

The “easy run” was supposed to be 25 minutes, and I reached the 19-minute mark when I remembered to pick up dinner on the way back. I was nearby an Indonesian restaurant that my partner discovered on Google maps. I insisted on picking up the food, which served as one more excuse to head out for a run.

I dashed towards the restaurant, clocking in the 25-minute mark on the way. I picked up two sets of rice with chicken, tempe, and sambal.

Just like that, I completed my first run of fall. I still don’t know whether it was spurred by anxiety or excitement. But while it’s hard to shake off my insecurities regarding my body image completely, I could slowly shift my perspective to excitement. I have the upcoming 5K runs to look forward to, after all. And one of these days, running would be pure excitement.

Thanks for anxiously/excitedly lending your thoughts to this essay:

Lavinia Iosub

and Evan Lim.

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Write of Passage’s 11th cohort is open for enrolment. The course, nay — the community ignited this Substack. Happy to answer any questions you may have. You know where to find me.

Update log:

• ⏸️ I’m hitting a plateau of “excitement” on my YouTube journey… I’m still uploading weekly, but I’m trying to see how to make things interesting for myself.

• 📖 Started reading The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker (25% completed) per my therapist’s recommendation. I was initially skeptic about the yin/yang cover art but I’m warming up to the book’s contents.

• 📺 Finished Ted Lasso. I’m so gutted the show is over (for now)!

• 📺 The Morning Show is back! I can’t believe I once thought Jennifer Aniston was hosting an actual morning show for Apple.

• 🎧 Listened to Lilly Singh’s 2019 episode on Jay Shetty’s podcast. I’ve admired Lilly’s #HustleHarder mantra for years and while it does have its place still in my life, it’s nice to listen to the other side of it as well.

• 📹 On the YouTube channel: It’s been a long workday, so come and paint the sunset with me.