On being the responsive kid
My brother doesn’t respond to family texts. Why should I?
The last I checked, my mom had two kids.
“Morning kiddos. How come you disappeared yesterday, Becky?”
I was en route to my 7:30AM pilates class when my mom sent this text to the family group chat. I went offline for a day, while my brother Brady had been gone for weeks. Why then, is the question only directed at one of us?
The train doors opened and I zoomed to the studio, every step peppered with rising irritation. It was one day of no texting. I just wanted an afternoon of solitude as I took a ferry out to one of Hong Kong’s outlying islands and painted my view from the beach. One tranquil weekend without having to answer to anyone.
Why then, did I feel like I owed them an update? That I thought of them when I took a photo of Hong Kong’s layered skyscraper-mountain-sea landscapes. That not texting them felt wrong, the way gifting my diabetic mom some lime-flavored chocolate because she asked for it felt wrong. That I shoved the guilt down because I was curious how long I could hold out for.
As I planked and piked, counting down the 30 seconds that always stretched to eternity during any ab-related exercise, I tried to mentally word a response to my parents.
Why are you guys such helicopter parents? It’s been more than a decade since I moved out. To a different country! Why are you all over me all the dang time? Why don’t you find your other kid?
Nope, that will just cost a rift, and I wasn’t in the mood to fight. It’s too early. Besides, it’s a Monday. I didn’t want to be fighting with my mom in between sending off work emails.
Sorry, I won’t do that again. Here’s a picture of what I did yesterday. How was your Sunday? I really didn’t mean to disappear.
Nope, I didn’t want to claw back to them with a fake apology either. Brady doesn’t apologize for going MIA.
Why should I?
*
When I was barely four, my parents enrolled me into violin class.
Every kid should have a musical skill, they said. My mom spent an hour every day listening to my off-pitch rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, insisting that practice makes perfect. I hated my violin lessons. I hated that I was stuck playing songs that sounded nothing like the Barney tunes I enjoyed from television. I hated that I had to stand up straight with my right pinky stretching to hold my bow at the perfect angle. I hated that pressing down on strings with my left hand would leave calluses on my fingertips.
I never did fall in love with violin. Not after fifteen years of slow upgrades to bigger and more adult-sized violins. Not after yearly Suzuki Method examinations. Not after dozens of orchestra performances.
When Brady was eight, my parents asked him what instrument he wanted to play. The drums floated as an option, so my parents bought him a full drum set.
He didn’t like it. My parents let him quit a few months later.
*
“How would you like to show up in front of your parents?” my therapist Angie had asked in August, on the eve of flying back to see my parents for the first time after cutting them off for two years.
“I just want to be real,” I said. “I’m tired of being the ‘perfect daughter’, of masking my feelings and trying to be impressed with everything they say. I don’t think I can do that again.”
“Then be real,” she said. “I mean you already cut them off. It can’t get any worse than that.”
We both laughed.
*
I turned off the shower knob, the steam fresh on my furrowed eyebrows. In this situation, Brady would just leave my parents’ texts unanswered. But I don’t have to be him.
I can respond however I like.
“I was just having an offline day :)” I texted back, adding the smiley for extra friendly measure.
I expected my parents to launch into one of their well-rehearsed lectures, depending on whether they feel like comparing us to others (Our neighbor’s son calls her every day even when he’s studying in France with a 6-hour time difference! They also text multiple times a day.) or if they feel like exercising what they think is their right (We’re your parents. Of course we want to know where you are at all times. We deserve that.) or if they’re in the mood to guilt-trip (We sent you abroad with everything that we have. Don’t you think we at least deserve a call?).
Instead my dad texted back: “Well sometimes we need that me time [and be away from phone]. Pls next time tell us, you just wanna be quiet, then we wouldnt be worry.”
*
Me: how do you deal w the “guilt” of not responding for mom/dad?
Brady: Not gonna lie, i legitimately forget
Me: lmaoo do they like reach out during ur sleeping time usually?
Brady: Mom once in a while calls at 5AM
Brady: So like, ya can’t blame me for not answering that one
Me: that one is so valid
Me: but how about like whatsapp and stuff?
Brady: I think at one point I read them every day
Brady: And then once, 100+ notifs happen in a day and I get too lazy to check
Brady: It’s just like, holy crap, that’s way too much and then I ignore it and the cycle repeats
Brady: So it just snowballs and it just enters the back of my head
Me: And u don’t feel the need to message mom/dad separately just to be like “That’s so many msgs, wht’s important?”
Brady: I should probably do that
Brady: It’s sorta like a sunk cost fallacy
Brady: It’s not a good thing, the more I think about it
Me: Didn’t wanna badger u, just curious if I can be more lax like u hahah
Brady: Hahah, I’m probably too lax
Me: Maybe we can meet in the middle :p
Brady: Ye ye
Thank you to folks who responded and lent their thoughts to this draft: , , , , , , , Nicole Glaros, and of course, my brother.
Update log:
📕 Finished Crypto Confidential by
. If you’re looking to understand what in the world happened in the cryptoverse in 2021, this is the book to read.📖 Reading Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous (54% completed). I first read 1/3 of this in 2021 but I don’t think I had the heart yet to truly appreciate this. The book is hitting so much harder in 2024.
📷 Bought, tested, and broke my Konica Kanpai. I just want a working small point & shoot that’s decently sharp. Is my best option really the $2,000 Contax T3?
💊 Somehow got sick again. Perks of dating a kindergarten teacher. Instead of fighting it (ahem, being in denial and forcing myself to go to work), I went to the doc, rested, and did some mild exercise to sweat some toxins out. I think I recovered a lot faster.
✍🏼 Bite-sized creativity book update: wrote 1 chapter, edited 2 chapters
📽️ On the YouTube channel: Warming up to sketching on an easel again
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such a wake up call for me as a dad, who do I wanna be, what kind of parent do I wanna become for my kids, it's a refreshing way for me to reflect, thanks becky!
Love this format Becky. Felt like I read a little book, so refreshing, immersive, and full of rich interiority -- which is great since I had like 2.5 minutes this morning to catch a break before the day rushes onto me.