You secretly love to exercise
You just haven’t found the right exercise for you.
“Have you tried exercising?”
My program director asked, her calm voice juxtaposed against my frantic thoughts. It was a few hours after my first anxiety attack. I was in the middle row of the lecture hall, struggling to breathe as my professor yammered on about corporate accounting. My body worked overtime to contain the incessant pounding of my heart. It took everything in me to not combust then and there, although that wouldn’t be the worst thing.
I needed help, so here I was, seeking advice from my program director who had it all together.
She loved running outdoors, saying it’s great for stress relief and an easy way to get vitamin D. Her face was glowing and her toned arms were lightly tanned. She was tall, lean, and serene.
“I haven’t,” I admitted. I wasn’t one for running. In high school, my physical education teacher told me I didn’t have the ankles to run. People who are gifted runners would have thin and small ankles, the kind that will support one’s gait in whichever speed they choose, he said. I was not an athlete in any sense of the word.
“Give it a go,” she nudged, “but don’t just try once. Keep at it for at least two weeks. It takes time to feel the benefits.”
I groaned internally, but I was desperate. The anxiety attacks were a slow buildup over a few months, keeping me up at night and suppressing my appetite. I was reaching my breaking point. I’d do anything to have a good night’s sleep again.
My friend Shawn, jacked and confident at the gym, talked me into weightlifting, his go-to exercise. I told him that I hated the treadmill (it was too static), I hated swimming (my sinus acts up), and I hated sports (what was the point of chasing a ball?).
He countered me with biology. Women naturally have good lower body strength because of the need to carry a baby for 40 weeks. He wanted to start me off with something I am good at, so I’d be more willing to do it again.
Shawn brought me to our university gym’s free weights section. He motioned towards the squat rack, a bunch of metal rods mangled together in 90-degree angles. On it, a long silver-coloured metal bar weighing about 20kg rested on one of the ridges that ran vertically down the rack. He swooped in underneath the bar and placed it on the meaty part of his back. He took a couple of steps back and dropped down low.
“Ass to grass,” he said. Easy for him. He looked like Maui from Moana. Biceps, glutes, pecs, the whole shebang!
I caught our reflections in the mirror. I looked so small next to him. Then I remembered what he said about women’s lower body strength. I believed in science more than I believed in me, so I did my first ever weighted squat.
Taking on external weight on my body and then pushing it up against gravity required my full mental and physical capacity. I inhaled as I squatted down. Geez, that’s heavy. My fingers tightened their grip around the bar and I locked eyes with my reflection. I was doing it! I tensed my glute muscles again, and stood right up with the weights before racking the bar.
“You nailed that way too easily. Let’s do some deadlifts after this,” Shawn said.
And we kept on, three times a week at least. We squeezed in sessions in between our classes. He showed the different machines, explaining which muscles they train. But I’d always find my way back to the free weights area. I was eager to do one more set on the squat rack, no matter how sore I would feel the next day.
There was always music blaring in the gym, the kind with powerful beats. But the concentration required for weights is better than earplugs, quieting both external noise and internal thoughts. When I’m lifting a weight that’s challenging my personal maximum, I instantly enter a meditative state. Inhale, pull. Tense the core muscles to achieve perfect form. Exhale, push. The hours I spent at the gym became the only moments when nothing else mattered. Just me and my body’s ability to move heavy stuff around.
I never wanted to waste a workout session, so I traded my happy hour drinks for a clean, protein-packed salad with tempe or chicken. I was eating again. When my head hit the pillow at night, I would be so tired that I would drift off shortly after. I was sleeping full nights again. I enjoyed getting stronger, too. New muscles wrapped around my limbs, and new definition lines emerged to shape my figure a little bit more. It was a great side effect to getting rid of my anxiety attacks.
Seven years later, weightlifting is still a constant. I go three to five sessions in a week, hitting the gym before work or during my lunch hours. If I drop off from the routine and wake up in the middle of the night from anxious thoughts, a quick hour-long date with free weights usually gets me feeling great again.
I even branched out to other types of exercises. My newfound confidence in doing physical activity made me say yes to friends inviting me to their own personal favourites: soul-cycle classes, barre, and even running! Hong Kong Disneyland hosted a 5K race earlier in the year, and my colleagues were keen. A combination of running alongside Disney characters and the gentle coaching nestled in the Nike Run Club app (which said that “all bodies are runner bodies”) made for an awesome morning. I would totally do it again… for more Disney characters.
Exercising is now essential to my homeostasis state, helping regulate my emotions as well as other bodily functions. When I receive a passive-aggressive email from an interviewee, I sit (or rather, squat) with the contents before hitting reply. I think clearer, too, able to write faster without grabbing a second cup of coffee. I credit that to the restful sleep I have post-workouts. Exercising is so much more than a calorie-burning activity.
Had I stuck to thinking that exercising involved treadmills and hitting balls with rackets, I may not have gotten into working out. A lot of my friends still dislike weightlifting, but they absolutely love crossfit, hiking, or pilates.
You likely have your own gateway exercise that’s waiting to be unearthed. Your personality is a good place to start. Love competition and meeting people? Maybe a sports team is for you. Love going the distance and being alone with your thoughts? Trail running might be a good idea.
Give it a go, but don’t just try once. I bet the benefits will linger well beyond the two-week mark.