The flannel, the bitch and the wardrobe

I thought I wasn’t a fashion bitch but turns out I am very much that bitch

The flannel

When I realized I might be gay, I thought I’d have to look the part.

I sought inspiration from the mobile game Choices. My best friend had just joined as a writer, and I wanted to check out what sort of stories existed in this choose-your-adventure game. Its flagship “book” Rules of Engagement involved the main character (me) completing a series of tasks on a cruise trip to earn the family inheritance. In the process, I was presented with three male suitors and could choose to date a bartender, a businessman, or a European guy.

I didn’t realize it then, but I was fixated on the main character’s younger sister. The peripheral character. The side story. She was shy and very nerdy, sporting a white sweater over a red plaid shirt. She always had her hair up in a bun and wore large black glasses. If she chose to do so - and I did - she could have a romantic storyline with an outgoing girl she met at the cruise’s salsa class.

This was 2017, when I was still a baby gay and had only told a handful of my closest friends about my sexuality. I indulged in my romantic fantasies through Choices, opting for the queer storylines and relishing at how it played out.

I wanted a whirlwind romance like in Choices, but I was too shy to put myself out there. So I thought I’d dress up looking like the nerdy sister. I bought a red flannel and paired it with a white crewneck. I felt a surge of confidence, and wanted to get more gay-looking clothes.

My tumblr feed showed lesbians wearing leather jackets, flannel, beanies, and a lot of baggy denim. I was lucky that “boyfriend” clothing was popular in 2017, which made shopping for queer-coded clothes a lot easier. Like when I bought a ripped boyfriend denim jacket because it gave me Hayley Kiyoko vibes. Or when I bought a black leather jacket because that’s how hipster gays look. These stereotypes dictated my fashion choices for the next few years. I defied Hong Kong’s humidity with layers of lesbianism.

Soon enough, I saw similarities in the way I looked with characters on the vampire web series Carmilla, the TV show The L Word, and the OG that started it all: the Choices game. I literally wore my identity on my sleeve.

References: Carmilla / Choices / Hayley Kiyoko

The bitch

I thought I wasn’t a fashion and makeup bitch but turns out I am very much that bitch.

How I presented myself as a banking reporter could make or break my story. I wanted to prove to the CEOs that they should take me seriously. I wouldn’t have gotten good quotes if they talked down to me or treated me like the fresh graduate I was. I donned the cheapest version of what I thought they expected me to wear. A thrifted $20 blazer. Brandless tote bags from Taobao. Eyebrows drawn on with leftover eyeshadow from high school.

After my first raise, I was able to look beyond the clearance aisle. I snatched neutral-coloured linen pants that I thought would look office-worthy. I shopped from Zara’s main line. And when my best friend took me to my first Aritzia store in New York, I walked away with my current favorite wide-legged brown pants.

By the time I worked at an investment bank, I had assembled a neutral-coloured capsule wardrobe consisting of five Uniqlo blouses and three blazer-pants ensembles. I enjoyed mixing-and-matching combinations before strutting to the office.

The wardrobe

After office hours, the wardrobe space that wasn’t dedicated to work outfits became my playground. I filled it with earth-toned sports bras and leggings for my workouts. I made space for clothing that accentuated different body parts and hugged my frame in various ways. When I had to go out, I happily combed through my drawers for flowy summer pants or dark bodycon dresses.

Last month, I attended a close friend’s wedding themed “Old Hong Kong”. I reached out to a local designer and purchased a maroon cheongsam jumpsuit that I was excited to put on. I matched the look by tying my hair up in a bun, just above my eye level. When I was putting on foundation, eyeshadow, and blush to get ready for the wedding reception, I spotted an unused tube of liquid eyeliner in my makeup bag. It was an unused gift. I uncapped it and drew black lines above my eyelids.

I leaned back from the mirror and saw my face transformed into a glammed up version of myself. I had one, singular thought: makeup is so fun.

I’ve since spent some of my lunch breaks in Zara and Sephora, trying on different dresses and finding a foundation shade that matches my skin. I’m actively experimenting with more colorful clothes, looking at bright teal skirts and wearing vibrant green sweaters. I flooded my group chat with questions about eyeliner and mascara.

A lot has happened since 2017. I’m now engaged to the woman that I share a wardrobe with. I am proudly out and actively do LGBTQ+ advocacy at work. I feel so much more comfortable in my identity and subsequently, my clothing.

I’m learning what looks make me feel confident, and I’m no longer hesitant to buy accessories that don’t align with a stereotype. I still love wearing my denim jackets, flannels, and office wear, but I’m also trying out 3-inch burgundy heels, a light olive green dress, and Fenty Beauty’s Slip Shine Sheer Shiny Lipstick.

What the mirror reflects looks different every day. Some days I put on mascara and tight jeans, others I just wear sunscreen and a flannel. But every single day, I decide how I look and choose my own adventure.

Thank you:

Harrison Moore

,

Rohan Gayen

,

Priya Nain

,

Meryl Rowlands

,

Lavinia Iosub

,

Diana Demco

, and

CansaFis Foote

for looking at this piece from the bitch behind the flannel and the wardrobe. Bonus thank you to

nat

for helping me comb through many, many Choices books to reference here AND writing a bunch of those gay scenes! This is a tribute to babygays 🤝 Pixelberry Studios circa 2017-2018.

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Update log:

• ✍️ I haven’t explicitly said this but I offer copywriting/copyediting services. Most recently I wrote & edited these case studies for a design studio.

• 😂 As someone who’s actively thinking they are “doing the work”, I had a really good chuckle out of

  Quinn Larrabee
  ’s Are you doing the work? essay.

• 🔮 While doing future-pacing in therapy, I rated my life 6/10 bc I don't believe I am put on this earth to answer emails 40hrs/wk but my colleagues rated their lives 8/10?? What are they seeing that I'm not or what am I seeing that they're not? …It also probably doesn't help that I'm reading

  Paul Millerd
  ’s The Pathless Path (affiliate). This book found me at the right juncture in my life.

• 🦐 Made some air fryer nachos and aguachile to celebrate my partner’s Presentation Day at work. I’m in the mood to make everything an Occasion and celebrate Little Moments accordingly.

• ⛰️ Went on a hike to Kowloon Peak and Suicide Cliff (it's less scary than the name suggests) that involved climbing down a dried creek through rocks and trees... I haven't used gloves since climbing & trekking in Bali in 2013. I was most definitely outside my comfort zone.

• 👩 Read Toni Morrison's essay about The Work You Do as recommended by

  Tommy Dixon
  in his banger essay on how to be a great employee.